Yes, I've been a bad blogger...

It's not that I've lost interest in blogging, it's just that I've sort of gone into hibernation this summer.  The end of the school year really beat me up, and I guess I've been trying to recharge my batteries--which has meant abandoning almost all things necessary in favor of most things frivalous.  We've spent time at the lake, the pool, Vegas, curled up reading, curled up watching tv, and curled up at the movie theater.  We've also been busy family bonding with my grandpa in June and my uncle last week.  Now it's mid July, and we have reunion headed our way and then we are headed to Ireland-yes!  Ireland!  Hopefully that will charge me up completely, and I'll be ready to tackle another school year.

For now, I'll try to catch up the past few months with some photo blogging...and yes, I will do better.  This is my scrapbook these days.

5 HOURS DOWN!

I just submitted my last test for Defensive Driving online.  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO.

What a beating!

Am I Crazy?

Wow. I didn't realize that by going "private" I would upset so many people! Am I being a little psycho-over-protective?

broken toe

Yesterday in a fit of productivity, I ran through the house, rammed my ring-finger-toe into the foot of the couch, and broke it. I'm pretty sure. It's either broken or jammed. Either way it hurts. And makes me cuss. Darn it. This is not a good year for Scroggins Bones.

Hearing Loss

Todd can't hear. It's soooooooooooo annoying. Something about ear wax and water, blah blah blah. He does this every now and then, and once he actually went to the Doctor and the doctor FIXED him. So now, I am a big advocate of the doctor visit as a solution. Todd's solution is to turn the TV up so loud I can hear it in the next county, and to not be responsible for any wisdom that might come out of my mouth. "I can't hear you Danielle." is the all-encompassing excuse.

I'm registering us both for sign language classes ASAP.

Dermatologist-Stage 1

At the intense urging of my sweet husband and overprotective father, I went to the dermatologist today to have a few "irregular spots" looked over. I've had multiple moles change shape in some way over the last couple years, and most recently, a few odd, dark spots have appeared on my forehead. Being an albino, so to speak, and having multiple sunburns throughout my life, I have the history to be concerned when things just don't look "as they used to". I've also watched my dad battle the effects too much UV, and hope to avoid some of the treatments he's had to endure. After today's visit though, I'm not sure it's going to be avoidable.

I was pretty insecure sitting in the waiting room because I felt like an official over-reactor, but had promised the men in my life I would have these things checked out, so there I was. Once I was called into the examining room I explained my insecurity, peer pressure, and then exposed my spots.

That's when the lecture began.

I felt like a child in time-out for throwing a fit. She looked at my spots, took measurements, asked my my "sunburn history" (uh-every summer for the past 33 years? plus some!), and then proceeded to explain the sun damage on my arms spot for spot. She showed me the contrast in my forearm vs. underarm, and the exact amount of sun damage involved in that contrast. The entire time she was berating me about my skin and all its damage, I was cussing myself for not bathing in sunscreen since I was 3. I felt like apologizing, but all I did was shake my head in understanding.

The thing is, I'm probably one of the most anal sunscreen or hat wearin' people you might come across, but my skin betrays me. Very rarely do I intend to get any sun at all-it's almost like I'm a sun magnet, and even through applications of sunscreen my skin will burn...sizzle....cook, etc. The doc told me to apply sunscreen to my face and body everyday, and apply every two hours whether I need to or not. She also told me not to consider staying outside for more than 30 minutes without a hat. I say she told me, but really she kind of yelled at me. Nothing I could have said in my defense would have mattered. My skin gave me away.

In the end, my moles were fine, but she plans on "watching them." Anything larger than 6mm, anything that changes to an irregular shape, and any color change is worth noting from this point forward. She was not happy with the spots on my forehead, but said it was early to do any kind of treatment. She told me we could not "reverse the damage already done", but we could prevent future damage from this point forward. I felt whupped.

So, I plan on making some intense sunscreen purchases tomorrow, and lathering up hourly as directed. Hopefully, next time I will get a lollipop instead of a lecture.

Oprah's Wagon

Don't leave the post just yet-I know many of you out there hate Oprah and the wagon she carried behind her, but I don't have such disdain for her. I don't have disdain for much of anything really, so she ends up being ok in my book.

In any case, recently she's been laying her recent weight gain and "falling off the wagon" out there for everyone to see. That's pretty courageous if you ask me-I don't know that I could be so raw with something so personal. Sometime this week she had the first Biggest Loser Winner on her show. He's also fallen off the wagon. Click Here to see his story.

It makes me super sad to see him and all the weight he's gained back. We catch that show every now and then around here, and I always wish I could be a contestant (minus that whole wearing a sports bra on tv, weighing in on national tv, and just being on tv in general). To see him backslide after a seemingly life-changing experience is just a little disheartening.

they call this a phase, right?

I've heard people-other parents-talk about their kids going through this or that phase. I've also wondered what that meant really. How did they know the kid would just grow out of it. How did they not just freak out because the kid was acting so terrible all the time? Is there a list of these so-called phases I can refer to? Because, man, Madison is wearing me out.

For the past 2 or 3 weeks, she has learned some sassy and perfected its usage. From the moment the alarm goes off in the morning, she is on a mission to see just how far she can push her limits. We pick out clothes; they aren't sloppy enough. I tell her to make her bed; she wallows on it in protest. We make breakfast; she doesn't like it. I tell her to put on a coat; she hates coats...and that's just in the first 30 minutes of the day. When she gets home she protests doing homework (which is usually just reading-only her FAVORITE THING TO DO EVER.). She changes clothes, throws them on the floor, and within minutes her room is a disaster area. Every night we clear the chaos, and every night she's writhing in fit that she "has to do so much". "So much" like putting her laundry away, bathing, and cleaning up her barbies.

The attitude spilled into school this last week, and she pulled her card 3 times-each for something different, but the underlying theme was not listening. Today in church she reverted to 2 year old behavior literally crawling on the floor, and the cherry on the Sunday of the day was her behavior in Bealls. According to Todd, she demanded some horse toy, stating that "she wasn't leaving until he bought it for her," and when he wouldn't, that "he was the worst daddy ever."

Believe me, during all of this sassy crap there have been MAJOR consequences, but I have to wonder if it is getting through. I was expecting this kind of irrational hormonal behavior in about 5 years-not in second grade. To top it off-I have a hard time relating because I was not this kind of kid. At all. I was the quiet-always-wanting-to-please kid. Not the wheels-off-this-is-my-life-kind-of-kid. I can't help but question my own parenting skills, and hope that I'm somehow handling this the right way.

On the flip side, in one of our many discussions on this topic, Todd mentioned that though they have their (many) faults, all our kids seem to have their own voice and to be comfortable in their own skin-a quality I still haven't mastered. So, I'll keep that in mind as we work through this phase and hope we all come out of it saner, closer, and maybe even a little more comfortable. In the words of my mom, "this too shall pass." Right?

General Update

So, the crick in my neck isn't completely well, but at least I can function and turn my head. Major bonus.

Secondly, Tuesday and Thursday MDO dropoff is about to give me an emotional breakdown. When we pulled up Thursday, Grady said he wanted to go to "Mommy's home". Today we pulled up and again, he wanted to "hold you" and "stay with me". I got him a little motivated by letting him lead the way. I put on his backpack and he showed me the way...where to put "my lunch", "my backpack", and then led me to the potty. We got to his class and I sat on the floor to play cars and tried to get him engaged. When I got up to leave he crawled up my leg and wanted me to "stay with him." He cried...

I'm thinking of pulling him out for now. I didn't put the other two in MDO this little, and while I enjoy the extra hours on my own to spend being productive, I can live without them. I'm so conflicted because when Tanner and Madison were in this little stage we had so much more time at home, and time to spend with friends. Now with the older two in school, our days are chopped up in schedules, and sometimes I just don't have the time to do all the crafting or playgrouping I would like to (although we do meet our friends Wednesday mornings). We have our little routine, but I just don't feel it's as rich as it could be. I'm wondering if maybe I should just wait a year, or if that would make his little anxieties that much more. I just know these tear-jerker days devastate me.

He might just be working me too because when I've picked him up the past few weeks the teachers have had only good things to say. So there's that...and then there's the tears, with the result being my conflict of heart.

Salt Mines

So, I've been subbing this week. The same school that I subbed in last year called me for a few days this week. It was nice being in that school again since it was so familiar. This time I was in a 6th grade science room. SO MUCH BETTER than a 5th grade Language Arts room. I was in my element, and all the fun parts of teaching washed over me. I talked about the metric system, and helped the students through a test...I saw a few students from last year and they came up to hug me and tell me all about their summer...Today I taught a lab and watched as the kids rubbed their brain cells together to have a very painful-problem-solving-thought. I love making them think. So fun.

I've scored another long term sub position for the spring. One of the teachers I taught with last year is having a baby and requested I be her sub. That's so nice too-to be acknowledged and wanted for a set of skills. Sometimes I forget I have skills-or rather, sometimes I wonder if I have any skills at all.

I remember Barbie saying Math is hard. She was wrong. Motherhood is.

Caught in the Middle

So here I am-3rd week into the gig. Now that I have my bearings, I feel more effective. I feel like I haven't lost my skills anyway. It's weird, though, being a sub-everyone has their own daily grind, and this outsider doesn't really have a part of that. I feel myself looking at the clock a lot, but I'm not sure if that's entirely from my pull towards home, or just this particular Language Arts situation. I have to pull myself away from the house in the morning because I get sidetracked with all the things to do there, and in the afternoons I do the same here. I remember coming to the realization my third year teaching that it would never all get done-there was always tomorrow-but in my "cross things off my list world" I REALLY like things to get done. It's a hard thing this juggle-I'm not sure where my identity lies anymore. The past five years I've put my heart into mommyland, and the five before that I put my heart into teaching. People who teach-that's who they are, it's not what they do. That's how it is for me anyway-this is a part of me, and now I have to figure out how all those parts fit together-for the next five years.

SUB?

I was called today for a long term sub position. A teacher is going on maternity leave until the end of the year. I've been frantically trying to decide-frantically trying to figure out what to do with the boys! and frantically just being frantic. I don't necessarily want to turn it down because I'd like to get my foot in the door and make a good impression in the school district. On the other hand, Tanner starts school in the fall-the days with me are precious and numbered. On the third hand, there is the summer...and it's only for 7 weeks probably. See??

I'm going to go have some chocolate now.

AAAAAHHHHHHH!

So, mom invited the boys and I over for dinner last night. It was the first time we had been back in the house since we moved out over a month ago. Can I just say the boys were TERRIBLE!!!! Tanner taunted Grady endlessly, taking cars and other toys. When he wasn't doing that, he was whining about more bread or the PURPLE GRAPE JUICE he spilled all over the floor. There was of course some breakdown outside when mom and dad's dog tried to join in the Grady/Tanner fun. Hellloooooooooooooooo? We have TWO dogs, and Tanner decides to have a meltdown? Is he high? Grady was completely out of control-running around screaming and hitting Tanner with a stick. Speaking of that incident, when he hit Tanner with a stick, I put him in time out until he said he was sorry. It. took. a. long. time. Mom advised me when it was over that a "swift swat on the butt gets it over faster-even though I know you don't agree with that". AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I spank my kids constantly!!!! (ok, maybe not constantly-don't turn me in just yet.) However, I think it's a little difficult to correct hitting by hitting. Crazy I know. I finally managed to get the kids in the car and drove away with snot and tears smushing all over the back windows.

I don't think I'll be going to dinner again any time soon.