and then the weapons...

So, I promised more information on the weapon saga of Ohio 2009. Here you go....

I mentioned that dad bought Tanner a bow and arrow, Correct? The bow was wooden, very realistic looking, and the arrows were plastic, but fitted with suction cups on the end instead of piercing metal darts. In addition to this weapon, Tanner purchased himself a light saber. You know, because we don't have any of those around here. This is a picture of said weapons:

I honestly did not think twice before purchasing such weapons. I really didn't. Yes, I knew we had flown up there, and yes, I knew the airlines frowned on weaponry being carried on the plane. But I truly, in my heart of hearts, did NOT consider this fact when purchasing the items. For real.

My dad, the former airline pilot, decided to play things safe, and put the arrows in his golf bag to be checked with his luggage. I agreed it was probably a good plan, that way the arrows themselves would not be harmed during travel. The bow would be with us, on a different flight all together. The light saber would also be with us.

Tanner and I were the last to leave Ohio. My parents and sister were gone by 6:30 a.m., and Tanner and I were not due to leave until 1:30 that afternoon. But, since Tanner was so enamored with the airport in general, we headed over there early. About 10:30. Good thing. We hadn't planned on checking our luggage, saving the $15 fee per bag, and were properly packed according to all airline rules. We showed up to security with our ziplock baggie of 3 oz. liquids, our suitcases, and our backpacks. Tanner carried the light saber, and the bow was across his back like a real-live Indian. The first security check-point guard eyed the bow curiously, but let us through to the next level. We continued, putting our bags in the proper plastic containers, taking our shoes, jackets, and anything-else-resembling-metal off and placing it in the other (smaller) plastic tubs. We also sent the weapons through the x-ray, just to be safe. Upon passing the metal detector test, we were met with 2 security types, who asked me for my ID and boarding pass. They also told us to meet them "at the end of the security checkpoint" for review.

As this transpired, the x-ray technician confiscated a sealed water bottle we'd packed from the hotel. Tanner watched in horror as this person threw away the water bottle AND his apple-both of which Tanner was planning for an at-the-gate snack. Breakdown #1 ensued. I quickly tried to explain how water bottles and apples could be deadly in the wrong hands, and we just needed to abide by the airport rules so all passengers could be safe. Tanner looked at me like I was crazy, and in hindsight, I'm sure I sounded that way.

After acquiring our items, we met the other security personnel at the end of the checkpoint, who asked for my physical address and explained that since the weapons were "exact replicas of real weapons," they had to run a security clearance on me. Yes, the $2 light saber, and wooden bow (minus the arrows) needed to be checked out by this mom and kid in flight from Ohio to Texas. I quickly explained that both were toys, bought at a festival in Ohio, and that the accompanying arrows were ALREADY IN TEXAS ON A PREVIOUS FLIGHT. But, of course I agreed to the checkpoint, and we took our seats as they checked out our threat to National Security. Breakdown #2 was on the verge, because these security people, they TOOK THE BOW WITH THEM as they went into the back room to check out the "incident" (I heard them explain). Again, I was quick with the explanation of National Security and how it applies to water bottles, apples, light sabers and wooden bows. Tanner seemed to understand, and we settled.

Then, the security person came back. She told me the address on my license was not correct, and inquired as to why that would be the case. Bumbling over my words, I explained that we'd moved to Decatur, lived with my parents while we built a house, and only recently (albeit 1.5 years ago) had a new permanent address of our very own. I wrote down my new address, which she eyed suspiciously (that whole Hlavek Road thing), and disappeared into the secret room again. When she re-emerged, she explained we'd have to check the weapons at the ticket counter and then ESCORTED US THERE. Yep, we were the people being walked by a uniformed guard (with her holding said weaponry) throughout the airport, and back to the ticket counter to have the "incident" cleared up. Once there, I explained to the ticket agent the issue, also explaining that neither weapon would fit into an actual suitcase, hence the whole "carrying on" situation. I also explained that I'd already dealt with TWO breakdowns, and if those weapons-the super special purchased-in-Ohio weapons, were broken when we landed in Texas, I'd be dealing with Breakdown #3, and I'm not sure I'd be able to survive that. She nodded in agreement, and set about trying to find the "best solution for this unfortunate situation." Here's what she came up with:

She wrapped both weapons in plastic, and taped them with "fragile" stickers. Honestly, by this point I was so spent with the process, I just let it go. It was only later, at baggage claim, that I realized she didn't give me a claim ticket. So, if the weapons were lost or broken, I'd have no claim on them. Smart me. Luckily, this wasn't the case, and they made the voyage safely. After she wrapped the items, she looked at me and said...wait for it. "That will be $30 please." Yes, after all of this weapon commotion and mandatory checking, they planned on charging me for TWO checked items, the light saber and bow. You could have fried an egg on my forehead. I was that mad. But, being a Southern Lady, all I said was. "Are you sure?" She nodded that indeed she was, and I handed over my debit card, fuming. Now, God gave us a little break, and when the charge came through, it was only $15. I guess he thought we'd had enough idiotic safety behavior for one trip, and spared us that extra cash. Thank You. I'll be sure to put the extra dollars in the collection plate next Sunday.

So, we made it back through security. Back through the x-ray machine, the metal detector, and security guards. We finally made it to the gate, where we settled in for our long wait. I pulled out Tanner's Nintendo DS, and got him settled with a newly purchased $4.35 bottle of water. Then, I went to get my book from my suitcase. When I unzipped the outerpocket, I had to move my razor out of the way to get to my book. The irony. In that, I laughed and started calling all my friends and family to tell them the story of "The Security Clearance Checkpoint gone all wrong." Because, man...having that razor, a bow AND a light saber? Watch out world...here we come.